Am I Being Led by God?

Why is it that only during a fast I can hear God soo clearly. I really dream of the day when it's a daily thing not just when I not eat. I love God and I love food. It's always a challenge but worth it...While doing my devotional, specifically writing yesterday's blog. I was lifting the peace corps and career direction to God. I do truly want to serve Him and I the Holy Spirit convicted me of pre-defining the capacity in which I would like to serve. God asked me "Am I truly Being led by Him?"....So for me I've learned God speaks to me through my thoughts and guides me through the word to drive home a point. While writing yesterday, I was in His presence, praising, worshipping, in the flow...He gave me these scriptures:

Jeremiah 2:10 "Cross over to the coasts of Kittim and look,
send to Kedar and observe closely;
see if there has ever been anything like this:

Followed by

Hebrews 10:11 but I included a few scriptures above to give context: "First he said, "Sacrifices and offerings, burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not desire, nor were you pleased with them" (although the law required them to be made). Then he said, "Here I am, I have come to do your will." He sets aside the first to establish the second. And by that will, we have been made holy through the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ once for all.

Day after day every priest stands and performs his religious duties; again and again he offers the same sacrifices, which can never take away sins. But when this priest had offered for all time one sacrifice for sins, he sat down at the right hand of God. Since that time he waits for his enemies to be made his footstool, because by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy."

In the first God was really mad at the Israelites for defiling themselves even after He brought them to and gave them the promised land. He accused them of trading their Glory through Him for gods & idols that could not measure up to God. God revealed to me that the Israelites were often into "seeing" faith. When God was not doing something, they often reverted to worshiping idols. How often in my life, do I try to create something...in the name of serving God???...How often do I start wavering on my hope while I know that God is always working...all the time...though I may be required to wait on Him...

In the second, God showed me that after Jesus came the law that the Israelites had used to measure their "holiness" was N/A...Isn't that amazing, for nothing I could give or do could make me acceptable to God. But Jesus came, and offered His body as the one and only acceptable sacrifice that has initiated an ongoing process of sanctification for me. He is the author and perfecter of my Faith. In addition, the Holy Spirit helped me notice these words that Jesus said to God: "Here I am, I have come to do your will."...Then I was led to Philippians 2:13. In summary, I realize that God is calling me to lay my will for His will. Which means....no strategizing, no self-planning, no dreamt-up goals, but pursuing His desires and purpose for my life. For I live not for myself but for God...God has challenged me to kill it all and allow Him to start upon my life with a clean slate. I think It's marvelous because I've seen testimonies in others' lives that always what we can dream up falls below and does not measure up to what God can do for us. Or how much He can bless us beyond our wildest dreams.


Abba Father...It is such a privilege to come before Your Holy throne of Grace and Mercy. You are a God of wonder, mysterious yet gracious in all Your ways. I ask for Your forgiveness for placing limits on You and what I allow You to do in my life. I'm sorry for a narrow-minded vision and following You with conditions. Help me Father let go and truly exercise my new self in You. Broaden my vision Lord... I'm really sorry Daddy and I thank You for assured forgiveness. I trade my dreams for Yours, I trade my will for Your Will, and I lay down all that I am at Your alter, desiring and receiving all that You want for me. Grant me strength to walk in this exchanged attitude and spirit. Knowing that You God are my daily portion and I'm provided for. Grant me a yielding and responsive heart, that waits for You to show me the first steps to take, trusting that You will meet every need along the way. I do desire to serve You. To play my role in furthering Your Kingdom in the earth and in my life. Holy Spirit I invite You to have Your way in my life. Use this humble vessel for Your Glory God. Thank You Jesus for the ongoing discipleship process. Thank You God for I am a new creation born and baptised with Your Holy Spirit. I long for a deeper fellowship with You and never want to be apart from You. Almighty God, Great Jehovah, I offer today to You to have Your way,... no limits.... In Jesus' name. Amen.


FYI: My skin is really enjoying being cleansed while moisturized. And round II shipment came:
-Black soap (solid and liquid). I intend on using the liquid as a complete body wash from face to body :-D
-Aloe Vera juice to be blended with Shea butter
-Lavender oil...Ahhh the fragrance
-Coconut oil...I'd eat it but my roommate tells me it's not sweet though it smells SOOO GOOD!!!

I'm soo excited to start my concoctions and really just loving my entire body and hair to health :o)

Day 2 & Day 3

I think as I'm detoxing my body and cleasing face, hair et al...I should extend to other areas where I put my energy. I tend to over commit myself, and it's not out of duty but out of a large interest span...But my focus is to attain a clutter free spiritual, physical, relational, emotional, and financial life...Balance, peace, and contentment always in all situations.This message really hit home yesterday and has bled into today. How can God get through to me if I'm distracted by a million and one things. I tell myself I'd get restless if I'm not involved in a new project, but maybe God's telling me to slow down...so it ties into my prayer for a Mary annointing, because He knows I have been exercising the Martha annointing full well. Got that down pack...but to exercise grace, wisdom, discernment, I need to take a step back.

So I woke up this morning and decided to fast for lunch, just to refocus and also because last night I revisited a desire to join the Peace Corps (5yrs contemplating)...Since I got waitlisted for medical school and my passion to live a life of service particularly to the underserved is ever growing...I came back again. I'm lifting this in prayer to God for His feedback and guidance today. I'm presenting it to Him for His say because I dont want to act independently of His will for my life...Phillipians 2:13. And I want my life to be an ongoing Fellowship with God, not just when coming to Him when I need help, but trusting Him to make the big and little decisions in my life. And thereby Jeremiah 29:11 will always come to pass in all situations. God gave me 2 scripture references that I'm holding unto and matching everything to:
Hebrews 10:11 "God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect."....Notice "they" which leads me to believe in more than one plan for my life...Isaiah 42:16. Though I may not be able to see the outcome or know my way, He has promised me never to forsake me and to lead me. He promised me a clear path...as long as 1) I continue on it and 2) I trust Him...

Dear Heavenly Father, I praise You for life. I thank You for health. I thank You for love and my daily portion. I thank You for being right here with me and knowing everything about me. There's nothing that I can hide from you, only myself. Thank You even when I do stupid things, or act foolishly...You love me nonetheless...When I'm not exactly beaming with joy, or jumping to be of service to another...You convict me in Love always. I thank You for being the one and only constancy in this ever fluctuating world. As I grow-up in You, strengthen me to be the woman You have called me to be. Develop a godly character in me. I pray for grace to overcome every situation, being Content as Paul was before he declared that He can do anything through Christ, which strengthens Him. My desire is to please You Lord, show me how I can do that for You. How I can be of service to You. As I look unto medical school and the road thus far, I thank You for being right by my side. I want to walk with You in Spirit & in Truth. I lift up the Peace Corps to You and seek Your heart. Knowing full well that I will see Your goodness in the land of living. Even if You say "No" God, I still and will always choose You. For all You've done, are doing, and going to do in and through me...Thank You. In Jesus's name. Amen.

Day 1

Lord I thank You for blessing me with wisdom throughout today and favor with men. I had wanted to volunteer plan for the first African Women & Girls and HIV/AIDS event, but had been refused. God truly uses people as His angels. I thank Him everyday for my manager who has been such a blessing, demonstrating grace and salt in all conversations and all situations. She's been fighting for me with the Director and finally I got the green light yesterday! That was great, I hit the ground running and made it to the planning meeting that night. God has blessed me with favor and enabled me to be resourceful in locating things at work for people, designing and planning projects. I know that these are part of my spiritual gifts and I pray that God, You will reveal more of the talents you've placed in me, train me in them, and send me on my assignments. Thanks You.

Day 1 of the change to vegetarian was uneventful. Dont think my flesh has realized yet what is going on. I've decided essentially to eat down what's at home, and only buy veggies. Essentially consuming and not being wasteful, but slowly transitioning and replacing.

I'm sooo thrilled and psyched to be going all natural. My first shipment of hair/facial/body products came yesterday and I also bought a few:
-Jojoba oil (face & hair)
-Tea tree oil. I used both on my face and they cleansed w/o drying...YAY!!! I also used the jojoba as a moisturizer. I'm waiting for my shea and aloe vera juice.
-Castor oil (hair)
-Apple Cider Vinegar: To drink, but I've used it for my salad dressing, lol...talk about multipurpose

My goal by summer is to be make-up optional and everything that I put on my hair, face, or body can also go inside of my body :0) On with day 2. Just finished a bowl of cereal...

I also bought these

Dance

I attended a dance workshop over this weekend and was just sooo Blessed by the knowledge passed on. Why not dance? I love dancing, it's the one space I'm truly free from everything and led by my spirit. I'm growing in my knowledge of how I can use dance as my best worship...Nothing has changed, the dancing now is not horizontal, but vertical. I've been contemplating for a while and I believe God is asking more of me in that area. I've decided to start a cleansing and training period for the next 2 months. Enabling Him to abide and grow in me. Inviting the Holy Spirit to truly have His way with my instrument. Determining to live in Spirit & in Truth as a true wroshipper (John 4: 23-24). I'm giving God my body to move and minister in His name. To dance full out for my audience of ONE.

So I'm starting on Weds February 25th, 2009 and will endeavor to add everyday a detialed journal journey, adding another element to my Love Journey With JESUS :o) What better way to use my gifts and passion for dancing than to Praise Him who blessed me with them in the first place. Part of my effort to lead a purpose-driven life.

I believe God has been speaking to me about dance. Some recent happenings:

1) After the dance workshop...I felt His presence, felt really close to Him and it was the best feeling ever. This shows me how amazing and powerful dance is able to connect me to Him. Also that whole day was soo peaceful, flowed sooo well, and everything worked in synchrony. Dancing is my prayer and best worship. And God received it and Blessed me so well the whole day.

2)My roommate..."the bestest in the world!!" sent me a piece on Guidance:

"Dancing With God: When I meditated on the word Guidance, I kept seeing 'dance' at the end of the word. I remember reading that doing God's will is a lot like dancing. When two people try to lead, nothing feels right. The movement doesn't flow with the music, And everything is quite uncomfortable and jerky. When one person realizes that, and lets the other lead, Both bodies begin to flow with the music. One gives gentle cues, perhaps with a nudge to the back Or by pressing Lightly in one direction or another. It's as if two become one body, moving beautifully. The dance takes surrender, willingness, And attentiveness from one person And gentle guidance and skill from the other. My eyes drew back to the word Guidance. When I saw 'G': I thought of God, followed by 'U' and 'I'. 'God, 'U' and 'I' dance.' God, you, and I dance. As I lowered my head, I became willing to trust That I would get guidance about my life. Once again, I became willing to let God lead..."

3) One of the first scriptures I had to memorize in Liturgical Dance Foundational Class was John 4:23-24. This morning, during my brief devotional period...I read "the Language of Love"...guess what the reference passage was John 4:7-27.

Lord I have received these messages from You. Help me Holy Spirit place the pieces together. Help me worship You in Spirit and Truth, for these are the the type of worshippers You seek. Thank You for calling me to these ranks. God show me how to carry-though faithfully on Your instructions and directions. Teach me how to love, nurture, and to take care of this instrument You have given me. I pray that You are not only glorified at the end but eact step of the way. I trust Your guidance. In Jesus' name. Thank You. Amen

Re-Dedication

Soo...been busy that seems to be the ongoing theme for the past few weeks. And I had a revelation earlier today:

-The devil is a liar....had me busy, concentrating on "other" things - late night cleaning, cooking, eating, searching for stuff, reading other things and not the word...that have affected my most precious time with God = personal prayer. I confess that though I have enjoyed fellowshipping, reading, and staying up past my bedtime, I've neglected my morning time. So I need to re-dedicate myself to God.

Heavenly Father, I thank You for enabling me to exercise the gift of discernment and opening my eyes to things that have been and are trying to disconnect me from You. I need Your Grace and Power Jesus to return to waking and resting in God's presence. I confess that I have neglected Our time together and there are some conversations between us that have been delayed because of that. I ask God for Your forgiveness for pausing or hurrying Our conversations and special time. I cannot picture my life without You and never want to be or grow apart from You. So I re-dedicate myself once more to pursuing You with a passion. As I prepare to cleanse myself outwardly and inwardly, I thank You for forgiveness, for unconditional love, and my new identity in You. I entrust You with my entire being and all areas of my life. I really love you Jesus and in Your name I pray. Thank You God. Amen

Mary Annointing

Heavenly Father, Thank You for life, Love, and Food. I thank You for my total unconditional acceptance. That a Perfect God chooses to love an imperfect being like me leaves me awestruck... Your goodness and faithfulness, I know all too well. Along with Your Compassion that never fails. God, You truly are a wonder to me. I thank You for my family, friends, and job. I thank You for preserving me in Your grace. I thank You Jesus Christ for enabling me to be victorious, climbing out of valleys and doing the supernatural by the power of Your Spirit that dwells in me. God, I pray for Your comfort and encouragement especially in times when You are silent and when I'm going through. Help me remember that You are my Father and You were, are, and will forever be sovereign. Especially when the pressures of the world, feelings, and perceptions try to tell or lead me otherwise. I pray for steadfastness upon Your word. May it take root and hold of my heart. I humble myself before You acknowledging that You are God and You do not owe me anything. You choose to do with me as You please, for Your Glory. But I thank You for Your abundant Mercy & Grace. May my heart be yielding and responsive to You today. May my actions exemplify my Faith in You. Help me Jesus continue and persevere on this road of Faith. May I always chose to be like Mary and wait at Your feet. Casting all aside and breaking my alabaster perfume in adoration for You. You've asked me to count the cost of following You, Jesus and I still am saying Yes to You and Yes to Your way. May I always chose and do what pleases You. May my humble being glorify You in Spirit and in Truth always. Thank You for daily provision. Thank You God for Your promises and perfect Will that will come to pass in my life. Thank You for always being there. In Jesus' Name. Amen

God is my Father

The past few days have just been soo joyful for me. Intense release, freedom, pure-amazing-perfect joy coming from an expectation. For those who've journeyed with me, you know I'm believing for a huge move this summer. I feel it in my spirit, though I do not know where. This morning, I got word that I'm on "waitlist"...I've been waiting all my life for this decision I think I can wait for God's outcome. I continue to pray that Lord dont permit me enter, if it's my ambitious, relentless, stubborn, self-willing, self...I am waiting for Your Will to be made manifest in my life. No man, thing, or situation determines my destiny...but You God. I allow You Jesus to lead me where You want me to. Even when I kick, scream, and yes even if it causes me pain...Have Your Perfect Way & Will in my Life.

Listening to: "I Understand" by Smokie Norful

Thank You Lord, for speaking to me this morning and encouragin me. I stand in agreement with Your Will for my Life. I thank You for Your promises that will come to pass in my Life. Praises to You God. You are worthy of all praise, all glory, and all honor, forever You reign :o)

The Cross

Oh what a bitter sweet sight!!
A King left His throne,
Donned human body.
Teacher, Preacher, Lover, Friend, Father, Brother, Savior.

Humiliated by us.
Rejected even by closest friends.
Abused, Mocked, Flesh Torn.
God's Perfect Son paraded as a joke,
Only crucifying crime was being
"King of the Jews"

Perfect trinity:
From the 3rd to the 6th hour
God stood still,
Heaven watched and cried.
King of Sinners bleeding to death.
Creation screamed!!
Darkness enfolded the earth.
Scripture completed.

At the Cross,
Mercy & Grace,
Perfect Love, compassion, humility, and obedience.
Resulted in access granted, eternal bond created,
We donned Freedom,
Born anew, redeemed, restored,
By blood God's children can call HIM ABBA Father!!!


May I never forget what happened for me at the cross even in the midst of suffering. May I always consider it pure joy to be broken for You, Jesus. (Hebrews 12:2-4) "keeping our eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that lay before Him endured a cross and despised the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of God's throne. For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, so that you won't grow weary and lose heart. In struggling against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood."

Been a minute but God is still sovereign

Soo....it's been a while that my fingers have hit the key board. There's soo much to write about but soo little time....well more like, I've a lot of reflection to do... So this might just truly be a rambling, lol

A few years past, I had a degree, a pretty good job, friends,
and a seemingly wonderful "outward life"....
But there was a gnawing, ever widening, emptiness that reigned
from dawn to dawn.
I'd have given about anything just to "feel"
Emotions-Anger, pain, love, and yes even hate...But these were just words

Every night I cried...
This life thing plainly SUCKED!!!
I knew not what I lacked, but felt an un-describable need.
What I needed was not in the world,
or else I wouldn't be this way
-drained, lifeless, numb, in a daze.
Crying inwardly, for a meaningful life...or just any life that wasn't mine.
It took every strength in me to painfully exist,
Every emotion to muster an empty-hearted smiled.

I was void, of feelings, purpose, every-and any-thing...until...
October 27, 2007
Seems almost a memory away.
On my knees, I reached out.
You knew I would come back to You,
And there You were as You promised,
Arms open wide, welcoming me HOME

With everything I cried to God, On my knees I surrendered ALL
If this was life, I didnt want it!!
If this was all there was, No more for me!!

I fasted, I prayed, I gave up that which I thought was pleasurable, I gave up friends,
I gave up dreams, desires, goals, I gave up all that I found of value or thought of any worth
FOR YOU GOD.
And Jesus did set my heart aflame,
with a hunger and a thirsting that grew more intense everyday.

In Your loving & gracious hands Heavenly Father, You allowed me to break, fall apart, lose myself to almost insanity. The tiny fibers that had tried to hold a fragmented, fragile life unraveled soo swiftly, I lost all grip, all control.

All emotions came flooding in, Joy, Pain, Shame, Guilt, Anger, but the best of them all LOVE...Love of You loving me....Love of Me responding to You...Love of SELF. And finally I was broken...so You could do what You do best heal through TLC.

All of me and perceived identity was shattered. All that I was holding unto, unforgiveness, hurt, anger, they seeped out of me, bled into my veins...and finally out of me.

Now as I reflect over the past couple of months and 2008, What I have received in exchange was worth the brokenness. I Thank You for EVERYTHING (yes the good, bad, ugly) that has happened in my life. They all turned my heart back to You Daddy...

Now I have Love, Peace, Joy, Life, Dreams, Desires, but most importantly I have You JESUS. I'm excited about my new life in You and with You. For all that I am and able to do...Is in gratitude and because of Your compassion.


COMPASSION...Thank You God for my word. For You have been faithful to demonstrate just that in my life. God, You kept Yours...Help me Holy Spirit model all that I am after Jesus. Amen.