Been a minute but God is still sovereign

Soo....it's been a while that my fingers have hit the key board. There's soo much to write about but soo little time....well more like, I've a lot of reflection to do... So this might just truly be a rambling, lol

A few years past, I had a degree, a pretty good job, friends,
and a seemingly wonderful "outward life"....
But there was a gnawing, ever widening, emptiness that reigned
from dawn to dawn.
I'd have given about anything just to "feel"
Emotions-Anger, pain, love, and yes even hate...But these were just words

Every night I cried...
This life thing plainly SUCKED!!!
I knew not what I lacked, but felt an un-describable need.
What I needed was not in the world,
or else I wouldn't be this way
-drained, lifeless, numb, in a daze.
Crying inwardly, for a meaningful life...or just any life that wasn't mine.
It took every strength in me to painfully exist,
Every emotion to muster an empty-hearted smiled.

I was void, of feelings, purpose, every-and any-thing...until...
October 27, 2007
Seems almost a memory away.
On my knees, I reached out.
You knew I would come back to You,
And there You were as You promised,
Arms open wide, welcoming me HOME

With everything I cried to God, On my knees I surrendered ALL
If this was life, I didnt want it!!
If this was all there was, No more for me!!

I fasted, I prayed, I gave up that which I thought was pleasurable, I gave up friends,
I gave up dreams, desires, goals, I gave up all that I found of value or thought of any worth
FOR YOU GOD.
And Jesus did set my heart aflame,
with a hunger and a thirsting that grew more intense everyday.

In Your loving & gracious hands Heavenly Father, You allowed me to break, fall apart, lose myself to almost insanity. The tiny fibers that had tried to hold a fragmented, fragile life unraveled soo swiftly, I lost all grip, all control.

All emotions came flooding in, Joy, Pain, Shame, Guilt, Anger, but the best of them all LOVE...Love of You loving me....Love of Me responding to You...Love of SELF. And finally I was broken...so You could do what You do best heal through TLC.

All of me and perceived identity was shattered. All that I was holding unto, unforgiveness, hurt, anger, they seeped out of me, bled into my veins...and finally out of me.

Now as I reflect over the past couple of months and 2008, What I have received in exchange was worth the brokenness. I Thank You for EVERYTHING (yes the good, bad, ugly) that has happened in my life. They all turned my heart back to You Daddy...

Now I have Love, Peace, Joy, Life, Dreams, Desires, but most importantly I have You JESUS. I'm excited about my new life in You and with You. For all that I am and able to do...Is in gratitude and because of Your compassion.


COMPASSION...Thank You God for my word. For You have been faithful to demonstrate just that in my life. God, You kept Yours...Help me Holy Spirit model all that I am after Jesus. Amen.