My Testimony - Where I've been, Who I am, and What I will become

I can reference scripture upon scripture, pinpointing what you should and should not do as a Believer. How effective would that be in conveying the Love of an Awesome Maker? You would most likely turn a deaf ear to me saying "I don't need another lecture"...I believe that over the course of the stories in the Bible, we are moved from an external, ritualistic, and legalistic approach to God and faith, to an internal, relational, intimate faith (mind, heart, and soul). From the rules of Moses to the announcements  and warnings of the major and minor prophets Elijah, Isaiah, Malachi...to the power of the resurrection through Christ and the gift of the Holy Spirit.

I was born and bred Catholic...raised in the church, mass servant, cadet of Mary Immaculate...the whole nine yards. I always had a heart for serving God and loving Him. At an early age I was committed to becoming a nun. My spirit always came passionately alive in the House of God. I was notorious for skipping school to go to church, to worship, and to serve...I adored God and everything about Him!... Then I walked away...Looking back, my Father's heart must have been deeply broken by my actions.

Life happened and I reacted by shutting down and closing up. I built a wall around me, around my heart, that helped seperate me from others and kept me numb from - My parents seperating and dividing the children, assaults from close family members whom I trusted, betrayal, depression, fear of failure, almost losing my mother twice...all these and many more I am sure you can relate to, became like a cancerous tumor within my spirit. People who try to help people like me often fail to realize that the walls we build took YEARS!!! Every block and layer of cement that made up my wall was a piece from a major life event that further alienated me from everyone and everything. Opening up to help would have meant having to wrestle with surrendering every block...At first it was about control and self-preservation and then later, I had been that way for soo long I did not know how to let go...it translated into seeking environments and people that would feed that darkness and re-affirm the need for a sealed-off heart.

I am sooo grateful for the Father's love for me. Who never forgets His promises or His beloved. He never let me go...even though I had turned away. I was lost in a void of depression, helplessness, anger, and despair...Through every dark episode, every hurtful reality...I failed to see my God reaching out for me. I was blind from being in the dark soo long that I had learned to just keep my eyes close. Having gone through I comprehend Romans 8 much more intimately...For some horrific experiences God allowed to happen in my life, I am grateful. They took my childlike simple trusting love to a real passionate wisdom-filled relational love. Those painful experiences He did not allow to happen...but out of disobedience on my part...He held onto me so dearly, preventing me from completely breaking and dying. I know what I know...that just as God pulled me out of a wreck involving my completely totaled coup and a tow truck...He can save me from Life's Goliaths...taking the good, bad, and ugly things about me and make them beautiful for His purposes.

No, I do not need to jump out of a plane to get an adrenaline rush...or drive a car 500mph for speed...Where I've been pumps me up for Where I am now, and excites me for where I will be in the future. I am grateful for being able to experience life knowing that My Father will NEVER let go of me.

This is my Love Journey Eternal. Praaise God :-)

Prayer Part 5: Your Will be done IN Earth as it is IN Heaven

Your Will Father...Mathew 26:36-44

This is another life-long lesson topic but is of utmost importance. Do you often make plans for what you are going to achieve by when, only to realize that the "by when" did come...but the "achieve" never happened? Do you have hopes for the future, aspirations for greater things, ideas waiting to be realized...but here you are still waiting, struggling to believe, vacillating back-and-forth? Prayers of When God? How God? or even Now God! Petitioning in every manner you have been taught to pray, believing that maybe this time might be the breakthrough...yet you are still there...waiting...

I have been working with my Father in this area. This past Sunday I was able to attend one of the bestest church that targets young adults and presents the truth in a very relevant manner -  Mars Hill Fellowship Church. As I reflected on the day's message, it hit me - total surrender is God's will. So I asked God, "I want to serve you but I find it difficult to surrender that which I do not yet have". My answer was found in James 4:1...the desires that rage within. This indicates that there are "fleshly desires" and "Godly desires" in battle within me, and the only resolution is to submit to God and give Him all my desires. Trusting Him that when it really matters, His Will will prevail.

Though I struggle, deep down my heart's desire is to please God and be obedient to Him. I pray that my life is led how He wants me to live, accomplishing His priorities, and giving Him all the Glory in every way. Thus far, this I know for sure - I have laughed till tears ran down my face and almost lost breath, I have experienced hurting pain to the point of numbness and depression, I have pressed to the point of almost passing out, and I have received unmeasurable undeserved blessings. Through it all, my God has been lovingly, protectively, passionately, generously, tenderly, kindly, and faithfully with me.

Today I am grateful for the raging desires, which bring me daily to my knees seeking wisdom and discernment. He has given me His general will in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 and as far as the specific what to do when, I am grateful that I do not have all the answers. I am forced to come to Him for my daily bread, because He knows my heart may have good intentions but left to my own I would soon forget like the Israelites...I may not know it all but my God does. I Believe Him and I Trust Him.

Let Your Will Father, not mine, be done in my life, in this earth...as it is in Heaven