I can reference scripture upon scripture, pinpointing what you should and should not do as a Believer. How effective would that be in conveying the Love of an Awesome Maker? You would most likely turn a deaf ear to me saying "I don't need another lecture"...I believe that over the course of the stories in the Bible, we are moved from an external, ritualistic, and legalistic approach to God and faith, to an internal, relational, intimate faith (mind, heart, and soul). From the rules of Moses to the announcements and warnings of the major and minor prophets Elijah, Isaiah, Malachi...to the power of the resurrection through Christ and the gift of the Holy Spirit.
I was born and bred Catholic...raised in the church, mass servant, cadet of Mary Immaculate...the whole nine yards. I always had a heart for serving God and loving Him. At an early age I was committed to becoming a nun. My spirit always came passionately alive in the House of God. I was notorious for skipping school to go to church, to worship, and to serve...I adored God and everything about Him!... Then I walked away...Looking back, my Father's heart must have been deeply broken by my actions.
Life happened and I reacted by shutting down and closing up. I built a wall around me, around my heart, that helped seperate me from others and kept me numb from - My parents seperating and dividing the children, assaults from close family members whom I trusted, betrayal, depression, fear of failure, almost losing my mother twice...all these and many more I am sure you can relate to, became like a cancerous tumor within my spirit. People who try to help people like me often fail to realize that the walls we build took YEARS!!! Every block and layer of cement that made up my wall was a piece from a major life event that further alienated me from everyone and everything. Opening up to help would have meant having to wrestle with surrendering every block...At first it was about control and self-preservation and then later, I had been that way for soo long I did not know how to let go...it translated into seeking environments and people that would feed that darkness and re-affirm the need for a sealed-off heart.
I am sooo grateful for the Father's love for me. Who never forgets His promises or His beloved. He never let me go...even though I had turned away. I was lost in a void of depression, helplessness, anger, and despair...Through every dark episode, every hurtful reality...I failed to see my God reaching out for me. I was blind from being in the dark soo long that I had learned to just keep my eyes close. Having gone through I comprehend Romans 8 much more intimately...For some horrific experiences God allowed to happen in my life, I am grateful. They took my childlike simple trusting love to a real passionate wisdom-filled relational love. Those painful experiences He did not allow to happen...but out of disobedience on my part...He held onto me so dearly, preventing me from completely breaking and dying. I know what I know...that just as God pulled me out of a wreck involving my completely totaled coup and a tow truck...He can save me from Life's Goliaths...taking the good, bad, and ugly things about me and make them beautiful for His purposes.
No, I do not need to jump out of a plane to get an adrenaline rush...or drive a car 500mph for speed...Where I've been pumps me up for Where I am now, and excites me for where I will be in the future. I am grateful for being able to experience life knowing that My Father will NEVER let go of me.
This is my Love Journey Eternal. Praaise God :-)
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